[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here