2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
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[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert