If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms