First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.