Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids