There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”