dude it’s called proctologist
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.