I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Can Happiness buy money?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Doctors texting each other.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
This squirrel eats better than I do
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.