waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.