Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Ha
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.