[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Pickled cat.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest