You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind