Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya