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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now