Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?