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1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Born to be mild.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats