Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.