I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
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Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them