My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs