Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
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I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
is this a threat
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Not all heroes wear capes…
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them