My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“no gods no masters” = leo
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
liiiiiiiiike
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?