[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.