Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.