When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
i can’t wait that long
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit