Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
When you’ve simply given up.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.