Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
just witnessed a drug deal
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible