Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
fired
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.