*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣