The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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A great tip. #CakeRex
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
dream blunt rotation
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
What about a To-Don’t List?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN