nobody’s gonna understand
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I think about this a lot
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?