Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
You Might Also Like
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
North and South
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic