Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
(True)
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.