ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow