[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
new career option?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.