Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema