The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
tis the season
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?