[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Just ordered me some pizza!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
That’s amazing.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
i can’t wait that long
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet