[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves