Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit