After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫