Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.