Everyone’s family
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3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
classic mixup
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me