absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
You Might Also Like
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Rather alarming headline…
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.