Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Social distancing in Australia:
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)