WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.