Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.