ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back