Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
The police never think its as funny as you do.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Nice try, NASA
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.