Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.