yes… yes…
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I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Ugh
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
c’mon!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.